Trapped in My Cocoon

Trapped in My Cocoon

She Code Africa Nairobi's photo
She Code Africa Nairobi
·May 12, 2022·

2 min read

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As I write this, I am seated amongst the trees, trying to connect with nature and figure out what's happening in my life. I am currently in my third day of nursing a heartbreak. A month ago, I saw the red signs, but my soft heart was easily fooled by made-up stories, and I forgave him.

Leave that alone, I can’t even tell if I’m depressed or I’m just mentally “not okay.” It’s something I'm still trying to figure out every day, and it’s slowly killing me from the inside.

I used to think COVID changed me, but I guess I’m wrong. I mean, it must have started way earlier.

I can’t tell if it began in 2014 when my single mum decided to get married. Maybe it was years after I stayed with my step-family during the holidays, and they looked down on me. I still think it’s because her mother-in-law hated me for not being her grandchild.

I think all these events made me hate people, and I started feeling comfortable being by myself.

My mother and her husband broke up later. But I'm grateful for being blessed with a younger sibling after many years of being the only child.

As the eldest sibling in my family, I helped my mum put food on the table. It wasn’t an easy task, but I didn’t give up. My mum couldn’t find a job, so they depended on me for almost everything. P.S I was still a student, so I would share my HELB money with them.

I was feeling very overwhelmed, and I hadn’t even healed from the previous trauma. So I withdrew from things I loved the most. I started feeling anxious around many people. People started fearing me due to my serious resting face. I couldn’t keep friends, and I got so lonely.

I’m still battling. It’s difficult. Sometimes I cry, but I have to try harder. My four-year relationship is over. I’m dying from the inside, but I still see the hope at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t know how but I believe I’ll make it. I left out some parts of the story, but I just want anyone going through the same to know that it’s going to be okay. You are not alone.

By I love butterflies ❤️

 
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